Commencement

The senior class at Thunder Mountain High School asked me to be their commencement speaker this past Sunday. I've since been asked to post what I said to them, primarily for our out-of-town friends. Here you go:

Two Gifts

Thanks for the invitation to speak to you. This is a high honor, one I do not deserve or take for granted. Thank you, also for allowing me to share in your high school years; that too has been a high honor, and one I do not take lightly.

Mr. Storey has given me ten minutes, and I want to honor that. I want to give you something of value. I’m going to go fast, so buckle up, and let’s get to it.

Our culture will try to convince you that you are what you do, what you achieve and accomplish. Many of us reflect our culture, and will spend the rest of our lives trying to convince other people, and therefore ourselves that we are valuable. We will try to put our best foot forward. We will try to hide, deny or rationalize our shortcomings. We will try to create an impression of ourselves, primarily through what we do, achieve and accomplish that will impress other people. Bottom line? We will put the responsibility for our own self-image on the responses we receive from other people. We will spend our days seeking affirmation from other people in our attempt to be satisfied with ourselves. That, my young friends is slavery.

Sadly, to varying degrees, all of us are addicts to affirmation, and we will never get enough. If our drug is affirmation, we will never get enough, and it will never be enough, and it never lasts. So we will be tempted to put up a false front, so we can convey the idea of who we are, instead of who we really are. And since affirmation comes from other people, we will try to manipulate other people in order to manage and control our reputation, and thus our self-image.

What I am saying? We will hand over the responsibility for our lives to other people. You may get married and expect your spouse to make you feel better about yourself. And if and when other people fail us, because they will be too busy with their own self-image management to affirm us enough, we will then get older and blame those same people for not cooperating. If you pin your worth and self-image on what you do, or what you want people to believe you do, you will be subservient to whatever last happened and beholden to people’s responses. This means you will be forced to change your self-image multiple times each day based on your last triumph or failure, and that’s exhausting.

Know what’s weird? We may have already fallen into the trap of believing we are “human doings,” (what we do determines who we are), but we are “human beings.” We do what we believe. What we do always comes out of who we are. False fronts and play acting aside, eventually we do what we believe to be right, even if in the moment our idea of right turns out to be wrong. Our actions do not define us; we define our actions.

My young friends, here are two things in life you cannot control: other people, and circumstances. Sad reality: you may devote the rest of your lives to managing, manipulating and controlling other people and mitigating the consequences of your choices.  But you will fail.

So I want to give you two things, two gifts that you can control; two gifts that can never be taken away from you; two gifts that will release you from the tyranny of having to be a play actor, of being a fake. Here’s gift number one:

Morals are what each of us believes to be the difference between right and wrong. Now we may not all agree what constitutes right and wrong, but we each have morals that define for us right and wrong.

Ethics are the choices and actions each of us undertake to live out our morals. It’s not ever what we say we believe; how we live is the clear evidence of what we believe to be our morals. Are you tracking with me?

Here’s the gift: Integrity. Integrity is the consistency by which each of us live out our ethics. You control that. No one can take that away from you. And here’s what I want for you…to be able to look at yourself everyday in the mirror at the end of the day and know that you are consistent, that you are ethically predictable, that you can be trusted to do what you believe. That what people see is who you truly are.

Even if other people do not applaud you because they do not agree with your morals or ethics, they will not be able to question your integrity, unless you give them reason to.

We need more people who will do what they say they will do, who show up when they are supposed to show up, and can be counted on to give a full and complete effort. Integrity is consistency, irrespective of circumstances or other people. You, alone control this. No one can take your integrity from you. Only you can take integrity away from you.

We are not human doings; we are human beings. What you do will always come out of who you are. You are going into a season of your life when you will be trying to figure out who you really are, and that’s a good thing. But in the process of trying to figure out who you are, look at what you believe, and not to what you do or even want to do.

Your integrity is the observable evidence over time of what you believe. Take this gift I’m trying to give you, and be a person of integrity. I want you to have the freedom of knowing that what other people see is who you really are, especially when no one else is looking.

Gift number two: it’s a word we don’t use often. I had to look it up. Altruism (or selflessness) is the “demonstrated concern for the welfare of other people.” This means stopping, taking and breath and realizing that none of us are the center of the universe.

Sadly, our culture and the media tell us that we are the center of the universe. As the center of our own universe we will seek power, or control, or comfort, or affirmation. The problem with all that? We’re all trying to be the center of the universe. This is why people don’t always get along. This is why people are selfish, self-serving, and are even willing if necessary to push other people out of the way in order to be the center of a tiny universe of their own making.

You will soon learn that many accomplished people, people who have had cool experiences and done cool things and acquired lots of cool stuff and surrounded themselves with cool people are in fact lonely and miserable.

Do you want to be optimistic? Do you want to be content? Do you want to be fulfilled? Take this second gift and learn to be altruistic. Learn to devote your life to the welfare of other people. Enjoy the freedom of taking the focus off of yourself. If you end up in business, in education, in public service, in raising up kids at home, in volunteerism, do it for other people. Make it about them, and not about you.

If you devote your heart and energies to the welfare of other people, you will find yourself more optimistic, content, fulfilled. You will find out that you are capable of great things. You will be a giver, instead of a demander. And you will like it. This too, no one can take away from you. You control this. Be a person who impacts other people. Plan now for the legacy you will leave behind.

Please know this…all of us in the room are proud of you. All of us have been entertained and inspired by observing you and being with you during your high school experience. We have high hopes for you, every one of you, even if you do not necessarily have high hopes for yourself.

But this is what we need from you; our world needs from you:

We need you to be a person of integrity, because our world is short on integrity. Be a person who is devoted to altruism. Our world needs more people who will be concerned for the welfare of other people. Be a person who knows he or she is a human being, not a human doing. Don’t go out and make us proud of what you do; make us proud of who you are, and who you become.

You know I’m a big fan. Thanks for letting me talk to you.